Marriages end for many reasons, and infidelity is often involved. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy estimates that 25% of married men cheat, while 15% of married women step out on their marriages. These might just seem like statistics until it hits close to home.
No one can ever predict their spouse’s reaction the moment they discover that they have been taken for a ride. Sadly, infidelity rocks many marriages to an irreversible point while others can weather the storm. One woman, in particular, did what most of us would never imagine. She decided to pen a moving letter addressed to her husband’s mistress.
In It For The Long Run
The woman in question, called Melanie, had been married for 11 years. They had started a family during that time, and life couldn’t be better while raising their two children. They led a perfectly normal life, but that’s not to say that things were always rosy.
Despite the usual bumps along the way, Melanie never had a fleeting suspicion that her husband might be cheating. From Melanie’s perspective, they were in it for the long run, and they never had kinks that they couldn’t iron out. Little did she know that her life was about to be shattered by her husband’s revelation.
A Gut-wrenching Revelation
Melanie was having a regular talk with her husband when something unusual caught her eye. He had a questionable mark on him, and she asked where he got it. Her husband instantly became shifty, trying to evade the question.
It only made Melanie more suspicious, and she kept on pressing him. He finally admitted that he had been having an affair. The revelation gutted Melanie. She couldn’t believe that she had been blind to the fact, and instantly lost all trust she had in her husband.
Pouring Out Her Heart
Worse was the fact that she found out it wasn’t just a one-night tryst, but her husband had been meeting up with the woman for a while. Melanie was overcome with a sense of betrayal, and she needed to release her frustration.
Melanie turned to her computer and found herself typing out a letter. She let her emotions pour out on the screen as she formed the message addressed to the woman who her husband had cheated with.
Thanking The Mistress
Melanie’s letter oddly thanked the woman called Jennifer for her role in the ordeal. Melanie told her that she was grateful because were it not for her (Jeniffer), she wouldn’t have known that she was being taken for a fool.
Melanie’s letter surprisingly showered Jennifer with praise, but anyone reading in between the lines could read her exact sentiments. Melanie was simply being sarcastic, and if anything, it was the best approach for writing such a letter.
Knowing When To Let Go
Melanie expressed that she was most grateful that Jennifer’s mark had saved her the heartbreak of finding out about the breach of trust in a worse circumstance. Melanie was also gracious enough to offer Jennifer her husband because she no longer wanted him.
Melanie continued by giving Jennifer a heads up about her husband’s shortcomings. She made it clear that her charitable act of letting go of her husband wasn’t entirely out of kindness. Melanie pointed out that he would carry along some undesirable traits.
Financial Strain
Off the bat, Melanie wanted Jennifer to know that she was signing up for financial discomfort. Melanie warned Jennifer that her husband would be obligated to pay his bills and that most of his money would go towards paying child support for their kids.
He would also have to pay Melanie alimony, and that would essentially leave his pockets dry. Therefore, Jennifer would have to bear the burden of supporting him as they embarked on their new reality.
A New Wardrobe
Melanie also told Jennifer that she should be prepared to buy her husband a new wardrobe. Finding out about their prolonged fling had forced her to throw out most of the articles of clothing stashed in their closet.
In fact, she was being liberal in giving the account of things, and she explained that Jennifer would have to buy him a new set of everything. At that point, it seemed like Jennifer was getting a little more than she had expected.
Sharing Her Husband
Melanie wasn’t nearly done, and she also wanted Jennifer to know that for the foreseeable future, they would have to share her husband. After all, Melanie shared two children with her husband, who would always have to maintain contact with their father.
Those moments spent with his kids would always serve as a reminder of the family he chose to forsake. Jennifer would have a front seat watching him turn back to a family that will always be a part of his life.
Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
Melanie also made it known that she had a low opinion about Jennifer. The woman was half the reason why her marriage had collapsed, and she wasn’t free from blame. While her husband had several shortcomings, it looked like he was a perfect match for Jennifer.
Melanie told Jennifer that she didn’t hold her in high regard at all. Jennifer’s willingness to cheat on her partner with someone else’s spouse spoke a lot about her character.
Supervised Visits With The Kids
Melanie’s opinion about Jennifer would only make things difficult for them going forward. She made it clear that if Jennifer chose to stay with her husband, she would make sure that Jennifer never had any role in her children’s life.
Melanie vowed to go out of her way to settle for the arrangement of a supervised visit when it came to her husband’s access to their kids. That would mean that Jennifer would never have any contact with Melanie’s kids.
Family Ties Become Strained
That element of Melanie’s letter hit hard because it illustrated how divorce tears families apart. It reminds us that when a spouse decides to cheat, they are not only disrespecting their better half but also their children.
After the couple officially splits, the spouse who created the whole mess still has to be part of their children’s lives. The more important message is that family ties will always stay intact, but they often become strained when the family split up.
No Returns
Melanie was not willing to take her husband back under any circumstance. Couples have worked through infidelities and saved their marriages, but that wasn’t going to be Melanie’s case. Melanie declared that she didn’t have any interest in mending things.
Melanie’s husband had committed the worst crime by betraying her trust, and there was no returning from that. He disrespected the family they had built together and practically threw 11 years out the door.
No Remorse
Being cheated on brings up mixed feelings, including anger and a sense of inadequacy. The person who has been cheated on often blames themself for not being good enough for their partner.
That didn’t describe Melanie’s state of mind at all, and except for the anger she held back, she knew that she deserved better. Melanie told Jennifer that she was positive that Jennifer would never be as good a partner as she was to her husband.
No Chances Of A Happily Ever After
There are great relationships that have started amid others, proving that sometimes love can grow out of difficult situations. We’ve witnessed such awkward relationships lead to happily ever after, but they are very few.
Melanie didn’t think that her husband’s relationship with Jennifer would end up falling in that category. She broke the news to Jennifer by quoting her husband, who had described their trysts as lacking any substance. Melanie added that he did not really care about Jennifer.
It Doesn’t Always Take Two To Tango
It takes two people to cheat, and this was a fact that Melanie clearly understood. Melanie wanted to impart an essential piece of advice in her letter when she told Jennifer that the blame would squarely fall on her.
Melanie knew that her husband would not take responsibility for his actions. He would continue blaming Jennifer for everything, thinking that it made the situation better or that it would help him win back Melanie’s favor.
Won’t Take It Lying Down
Until that point, Melanie’s letter had been mostly “friendly” injected with biting sarcastic advice for the woman who had broken her marriage. Melanie eventually let Jennifer know that she wouldn’t take the ordeal lying down.
Jennifer and her husband had made a fool of her, and she was going to do what it took to make sure that they never had a successful or peaceful relationship. After all, that is how their selfish and inconsiderate act had affected her relationship with her husband.
Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater
Melanie also had yet another personal piece of advice to share with Jennifer. She pointed out that cheaters rarely change, and the same way her relationship with Melanie’s husband had started would be the same way that it would end.
Eleven years of marriage and two kids weren’t compelling enough to prevent Melanie’s husband from wrecking his marriage. In the same way, there wasn’t anything that could prevent him from doing the same to his relationship with Jennifer.
Breaking The News In The Most Painful Way
The bit that Melanie was having trouble coming to terms with was how her husband could just throw it all away. Eleven years is a long time to build a happily ever after with someone only for them to decide that it isn’t enough.
Melanie’s husband could have chosen several other ways to express that he wasn’t content with their life, and they might have been able to work through it. Instead, he resorted to an act that broke the news to Melanie in the most painful way that things weren’t rosy between them.
Best Of Luck
Melanie concluded the letter by reminding Jennifer that she was getting a dud and not a grand prize. She reiterated that her husband would carry the same problems that had plagued her marriage to his relationship with Jennifer.
No one in their right mind would want to get into a relationship with a man who had knowingly destroyed his marriage, but the reality is that there are too many Jennifers out there. Melanie punctuated the letter by reminding Jennifer that she was more than welcome to have her soon-to-be ex.
Facing The Consequences
Relationships fall apart every day, and most couples trying to pick up the pieces are often caught up in the cycle of trying to figure out what went wrong. There is never a straightforward answer to this question, and in Melanie’s situation, it was clear that her husband made a huge mistake.
He had to face the consequences of his action after coming clean and realizing that he had inflicted irreparable damage on their relationship. In an instant, he had not only broken his vows, but he had made their lives much more difficult.
Things That Can't Be Fixed
Breaking the respect and trust a significant other has placed in you is the last straw for most relationships. There are relationship infractions that even couples therapy wouldn’t be able to fix. That’s how Melanie felt after her husband had undermined the trust she had in him and their marriage.
On the flip side, the cheater lives in constant worry fearing the risk of everything crashing down. They pinball between pursuing something wrong that momentarily makes them happy versus trying not to break their marriages.
Cheaters Choose To Cheat
The person who cheats always has the choice of not entertaining every thought that may lead them to the action. However, instead of facing their relationship problems head-on, cheaters choose to find happiness by stepping out of their marriages.
Melanie’s husband found himself asking the tough question, was it worth it? The happiness he chased behind Melanie’s back had now ended his marriage. Was he willing to walk away from what he had built to start a relationship with Jennifer?
Risk Factors For Adultery In Marriages
Several factors lead up to the point where a spouse decided to cheat on their significant other. It could be a cry for help or an exit strategy, and there are both subliminal or conspicuous factors that hint at trouble in paradise.
A breakdown in communication, financial pressures, emotional and physical disconnection, and lack of respect typically all lead to adultery. Ultimately, one thing cuts across the board – only the cheater is responsible for their actions.
Underlying Reasons That Could Lead To Unfaithfulness
A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships concluded that men with narcissistic tendencies and women who were generally neurotic had a higher likelihood of being unfaithful in their marriages.
Another study conducted in 2015 suggested that children exposed to parents who cheated were likely to cheat in their marriages later in life. These are all underlying issues that might lead someone to cheat, but nothing can ever excuse the deceit.
How To Save A Marriage
Studies also reveal that unfaithfulness accounts for 37% of dissolved marriages. There are tools that couples can employ to save their marriages. Being truthful about the circumstances that led to deceit is the most significant and hardest step.
Brutal honesty and transparency are required to bring a relationship back from the brink of permanent dissolution. However, both parties in a relationship have to be willing to work on things to move forward when dealing with unfaithfulness.
Feeling Unhappy and Dissatisfied
Another common reason why spouses cheat is simply that they feel unhappy or dissatisfied in their marriage. The dissatisfaction can come from either feeling unfulfilled emotionally or physically in the relationship.
A marriage that lacks intimacy is often cited as one of the reasons most married men and women cheat. Marriage is like a flower that needs proper care so that it can keep growing and blossoming. Each party needs to put in the work to avoid the risk of growing apart.
Dealing With A Cheater
Significant others can always tell if they are being cheated on, but they will usually brush off their suspicions. No one wants to believe the worst could happen, and it’s the reason why they always wonder how they missed all the clues.
It gets to a point when the best approach is to directly confront your spouse with the suspicions, just like Melanie did. The spouse who had been cheating may lie, but if they come clean, it could act as a catalyst to help them face their problems.
Jealousy Breeds Resentment
Couples who choose to work through their marriage after such revelations must acknowledge that a more profound issue sparked the unfaithfulness. Women typically view acts of deceit that involved emotions as more threatening than those that were purely physical.
Jealousy is a natural response when someone finds out that their spouse cheated on them. This aspect must be addressed, or otherwise, it breeds resentment, which only hinders the process of resolving things down the line.
Ownership Can Help Couples Heal
The person who cheated has to end things with their mistress and adopt an honesty policy if they hope to salvage their marriage. They must also take ownership of their action by not blaming anyone else or trying to justify their wrongdoing.
The cheater must also accept the fact that the healing process will take time. The reason why the indiscretion happened also contributes to a couple’s ability to get past it. Listening and communicating effectively are the two elements needed to fix things at this point.
A Momentary Lapse Of Judgement
Everyone can appreciate that Melanie took the high road faced with the truth. She did lash out at the mistress, which perhaps wasn’t the best action on her part because she would have to also live with the fact that her husband would always be a part of their children’s lives.
The public shaming aired their dirty laundry in public, and it could have harmed their kids too. Other moms might have come across her post, and such things have a way of finding their way on the grapevine in the kids’ school.
The Aftermath
Melanie and her husband were just regular folk navigating their way through life. The chain of events that led Melanie to pen the letter and post it on Facebook made them viral sensations. While coming to terms with their broken marriage, they both also had to face social media criticism.
People who knew Melanie personally shared her post, and that’s how the letter she wrote ended up doing the rounds on the internet. Everyone who came across such posts dispensed their thoughts through the comments sections, and not everyone supported Melanie’s actions.
The Reactions
Most people were largely supportive, and they felt like the open letter she wrote to Jennifer helped her reclaim her dignity. Many even felt like it was empowering and that it helped her take control of the situation appropriately.
Others felt like the letter essentially tore her husband to shreds. One commenter, in particular, reprimanded her for hitting her husband, which translated to domestic violence. Someone else pointed out that the letter would only spark terrible things.
The Consequences Of The Letter
One woman pointed out that the letter could harm Melanie’s separation proceedings. Several of the claims she made against her husband could essentially translate differently in legal terms.
Another commenter told Melanie to stop “bothering her husband” and instead focus on creating a better existence for their kids. They thought her letter was a tool meant to harass her husband, and it could poison their kids’ minds. They foresaw it all backfiring against her.
Inspiring Others
The more significant impact that came out of the letter was the way it inspired other women who had gone through similar situations. Most commented that they wish they had the guts to have done the same thing Melanie did.
Women who find out that their husbands had been unfaithful typically bottle up their emotions. Melanie’s public display echoed the hurt and anger women go through in silence. Sharing on the social media platform also allowed her to get some support through the troubling time.
Dissecting The Motive Behind The Letter
Many asked if the letter ended up being productive in any way. Besides shaming her husband and his mistress, what did the letter help Melanie achieve? It’s difficult to dissect the motive behind Melanie writing the message, but it must have been therapeutic.
Those were words she might not have come about telling her husband or his mistress. The letter allowed her to express precisely what she felt at that moment. In a twisted way, it also outlined the ways she envisioned moving forward from the incident.
Public Rage, Temporary Healing
There is no wrong or right way to handle the realization that you have been the victim of an unfaithful spouse. New York-based marriage therapist Irina Firestein thinks that Melanie’s act of vengeance would only temporarily ease her hurt.
Firestein explained that the letter harmed their chances of reaching any resolution, and it created further problems. NY-based relationship author Dr. Jane Greer echoed the sentiments adding that the message only served to perpetuate Melanie’s state of negativity.
How To Respond Constructively
Dr. Greer explained that pulling out the victim card when you are the victim of an unfaithful relationship isn’t the answer. It leads to feelings of rejection, helplessness, and it may also lower your self-esteem.
Dr. Greer recommends choosing to do some introspection and figuring what needs changing before taking any action. It could still mean breaking up, but that breather that’s taken to think things through also helps with the healing process.
Leaving It All In The Past
Bouncing back from heartbreak takes time and actual work. Mindful self-love techniques like exercising, meditating, eating healthily, journaling, and enjoying good music are highly recommended.
Adopting these techniques has been proven to promote a healthier mindset as well as encourage overall productivity. Melanie turned to social media to seek support from strangers, others wallow in misery, and a majority find comfort from family members. It helps to seek professional help when coping with tasking situations.